Pandas
Bad...digestion...blah...
Bad...digestion...blah...
Today we shall explore the most diabolical and awesome application of bullying ever, in human history.
As I'm sure you have somehow ascertained it is to do with pandas.
Pandas have been written about extensively and are probably more annoying than anything else I know of... except maybe furry sex, sexy furries, panda furry sex... What was I talking about? Ah. Everyone has said everything there is to be said about pandas.
Or have they really?
What if the most awesome thing about them has passed unnoticed by the small intestines of the internet and forcibly ejected from the colon here. It seems that the facts in question were just too awesome to be digested.
Luckily for you I have special Awesome Vision glasses.
Human kind is bullying pandas out of existence. An entire species. By pretending to help.
Like what you had done to you in primary school except with science.
I have studied this phenomenon for literally minutes and decided to show it to the world. So as to make species destruction even easier for future generations.
The title of this post could have been how to efficiently make an entire species commit suicide, but I can't put two titles, can I? Oh.
As I'm sure you have somehow ascertained it is to do with pandas.
Pandas have been written about extensively and are probably more annoying than anything else I know of... except maybe furry sex, sexy furries, panda furry sex... What was I talking about? Ah. Everyone has said everything there is to be said about pandas.
Or have they really?
What if the most awesome thing about them has passed unnoticed by the small intestines of the internet and forcibly ejected from the colon here. It seems that the facts in question were just too awesome to be digested.
Luckily for you I have special Awesome Vision glasses.
Human kind is bullying pandas out of existence. An entire species. By pretending to help.
Like what you had done to you in primary school except with science.
I have studied this phenomenon for literally minutes and decided to show it to the world. So as to make species destruction even easier for future generations.
The title of this post could have been how to efficiently make an entire species commit suicide, but I can't put two titles, can I? Oh.
How to make an entire species commit suicide.
(A post for when you are looking to exterminate a species or nation but fear the ramifications of such an action)
Step 1:
Destroy their home stealthily. Or accidentally on purpose, via pollution or something you were "ignorant" about. Get a lumber company or lumberjack to do it for you.
Perhaps you that the best way to break the moral of the enemy, or in this case, an innocent bystander species, is to take away what is dear to them. Their home. This is difficult for humans as my ongoing research into this evasive subject confirms. Humans just decide to live in a box or hotel if you burn their house down. Take a dump on their bed and they'll just clean it up. Throw bricks through the window and they'll board them up. Insult them for days on end and they'll still be living there. Other species are not nearly as adaptable, but I am told that bullying people out of existence can be done. Well anyway.
Now comes the difficult part.
Step 2:
Use the parts of the species in question for medicine.
China with their evil and witty communist regime managed to pull a psychological move that would have put Jung in awe. (Jung was some dude who wowed the world of psychology by making pigeons run in circles)
Step 3:
Round up and cage most of the surviving members.
This is a very important part of your regime or work. If you were to apply more direct methods of death on the species, race or neighbors in question you would undoubtedly have to deal with widespread dissatisfaction from your friends, family and nation.
Step 4:
Use the predominant food supply for yourself, or make furniture out of it.
This will break the moral of your mark even further and it will give you a nice looking chair in the process.
Chairs. Yep. Make chairs is what I'm trying to say. (Chairs)
Step 5:
Cage the surviving members while issuing propaganda to your own people/species about assisting the needy species/race.
This is the most difficult step in the process. It should not be difficult directly as the species in question will give little resistance to whatever you do, being depressed and demoralized.
What you have to worry about is support back home or in your nation. People will generally frown upon direct extermination or persecution. You need to show to your own camp that what your doing is for the only way to save the species in question.
the only way.
Step 6:
Employ scientists to break the reproductive instinct of your mark.
The key step.
I'll have to talk you through this, as the reproductive instinct is a powerful force to be reckoned with, luckily Science has the answer.
I am studying to become a scientist, and as such I have been taught some standard scientific methods, which I will share, being the first to reveal this secret knowledge.
a) Watch your jailed marks sexual activities constantly, preferably with a clipboard and a serious expression. Teams of scientist work more effectively. More scientists watching= less reproduction going on.
b) Inform the world that you are disturbed to find that your mark species is having less intercourse than necessary to effectively continue the species. The world will then send you money and will finance even more scientists via charity funds.
c) Roll naked on charity money.
d) Now is the time for more direct methods. Use scientists or assistants to actively encourage sexual intercourse, watched by scientists with clipboards and intent expressions the entire time.
Show pornography to the male mark, when females are in the room, while helpfully making hip-gyration moves the entire time. Note that you must wear your intent expression the entire time, and make notes on your clipboard to be effective.
The world may question your methods at this time, but helpfully tell them that you have a lab coat dammit, and they are just not qualified or educated enough to be able to know what's best.
Maintain dry expression, clipboard and lab coat at all times.
Get an underpaid assistant to actively try to stimulate erections in the male of the species.
Step 7:
Watch the species lose all interest in life and reproduction and die and tell the world that sadly the species has disappeared. Evade the blame.
Vaguely hint to the world that sadly the lifestyle of your people, or everyone is to blame for the species dying. The newspapers will pick up on it in a few weeks. You may have to hint heavily when talking to the press, for example: "The lifestyle of the world may," at this point nudge the reporter with your elbow repeatedly and wink, "have caused the ________ to die."
Roll naked on charity money.
If you doubt the effectiveness of this method on the grounds of: "You couldn't stop me from having sex with a hot chick just by watching, hell I might even be excited," oh dear... you are so wrong.
Imagine, you are in a jail with a large window. The view is full of scientists with clipboards, probably Asian scientists making notes with serious expressions, one scientist sidles into the room with an intent expression and a clipboard. He gyrates his hips showing you what to do. The scientists prod a female of your kind (probably human) through the back door. The excitement in the air is palpable (of the scientists) the sound of scribbling on clipboards quickens.
Now instead of scientists imagine pandas. In lab coats. With bamboo clip cylinders. They gyrate their hips towards you helpfully, while growling support at you. Are you still excited?
You sick fuck.
Congratulations you have effectively destroyed a species and evaded the blame.
More helpful advice pending.
Destroy their home stealthily. Or accidentally on purpose, via pollution or something you were "ignorant" about. Get a lumber company or lumberjack to do it for you.
Perhaps you that the best way to break the moral of the enemy, or in this case, an innocent bystander species, is to take away what is dear to them. Their home. This is difficult for humans as my ongoing research into this evasive subject confirms. Humans just decide to live in a box or hotel if you burn their house down. Take a dump on their bed and they'll just clean it up. Throw bricks through the window and they'll board them up. Insult them for days on end and they'll still be living there. Other species are not nearly as adaptable, but I am told that bullying people out of existence can be done. Well anyway.
Now comes the difficult part.
Step 2:
Use the parts of the species in question for medicine.
China with their evil and witty communist regime managed to pull a psychological move that would have put Jung in awe. (Jung was some dude who wowed the world of psychology by making pigeons run in circles)
"Yes, the pigeons run in circles, therefore man must!"
Also on an unrelated note, Jung is a scientific hero and has his own action figure I wanted to write that somewhere so fuck you.
By using the parts of the species in question for medicine (sham medicine) they managed to create a feeling of existential guilt in the pandas, making them feel dirty for having magical healing powers in their bones, which led to depression and the lack of a will to live. Learn from the Chinese methods.Also on an unrelated note, Jung is a scientific hero and has his own action figure I wanted to write that somewhere so fuck you.
Step 3:
Round up and cage most of the surviving members.
This is a very important part of your regime or work. If you were to apply more direct methods of death on the species, race or neighbors in question you would undoubtedly have to deal with widespread dissatisfaction from your friends, family and nation.
Step 4:
Use the predominant food supply for yourself, or make furniture out of it.
This will break the moral of your mark even further and it will give you a nice looking chair in the process.
Chairs. Yep. Make chairs is what I'm trying to say. (Chairs)
Step 5:
Cage the surviving members while issuing propaganda to your own people/species about assisting the needy species/race.
This is the most difficult step in the process. It should not be difficult directly as the species in question will give little resistance to whatever you do, being depressed and demoralized.
What you have to worry about is support back home or in your nation. People will generally frown upon direct extermination or persecution. You need to show to your own camp that what your doing is for the only way to save the species in question.
the only way.Step 6:
Employ scientists to break the reproductive instinct of your mark.
The key step.
I'll have to talk you through this, as the reproductive instinct is a powerful force to be reckoned with, luckily Science has the answer.
I am studying to become a scientist, and as such I have been taught some standard scientific methods, which I will share, being the first to reveal this secret knowledge.
a) Watch your jailed marks sexual activities constantly, preferably with a clipboard and a serious expression. Teams of scientist work more effectively. More scientists watching= less reproduction going on.
b) Inform the world that you are disturbed to find that your mark species is having less intercourse than necessary to effectively continue the species. The world will then send you money and will finance even more scientists via charity funds.
c) Roll naked on charity money.
d) Now is the time for more direct methods. Use scientists or assistants to actively encourage sexual intercourse, watched by scientists with clipboards and intent expressions the entire time.
Show pornography to the male mark, when females are in the room, while helpfully making hip-gyration moves the entire time. Note that you must wear your intent expression the entire time, and make notes on your clipboard to be effective.
The world may question your methods at this time, but helpfully tell them that you have a lab coat dammit, and they are just not qualified or educated enough to be able to know what's best.
Maintain dry expression, clipboard and lab coat at all times.
Get an underpaid assistant to actively try to stimulate erections in the male of the species.
Step 7:
Watch the species lose all interest in life and reproduction and die and tell the world that sadly the species has disappeared. Evade the blame.
Vaguely hint to the world that sadly the lifestyle of your people, or everyone is to blame for the species dying. The newspapers will pick up on it in a few weeks. You may have to hint heavily when talking to the press, for example: "The lifestyle of the world may," at this point nudge the reporter with your elbow repeatedly and wink, "have caused the ________ to die."
Roll naked on charity money.
If you doubt the effectiveness of this method on the grounds of: "You couldn't stop me from having sex with a hot chick just by watching, hell I might even be excited," oh dear... you are so wrong.
Imagine, you are in a jail with a large window. The view is full of scientists with clipboards, probably Asian scientists making notes with serious expressions, one scientist sidles into the room with an intent expression and a clipboard. He gyrates his hips showing you what to do. The scientists prod a female of your kind (probably human) through the back door. The excitement in the air is palpable (of the scientists) the sound of scribbling on clipboards quickens.
Now instead of scientists imagine pandas. In lab coats. With bamboo clip cylinders. They gyrate their hips towards you helpfully, while growling support at you. Are you still excited?
You sick fuck.
Congratulations you have effectively destroyed a species and evaded the blame.
More helpful advice pending.
4 comments:
I feel really sad now. At the same time, this fills me with great ideas to implement against the Australians.
Wow! A comment!
Weird.
I lived in Australia for more than while. Perhaps you know this.
Perhaps you are plotting against me.
I shall be following you Seresecros.
Quite possibly with no pants.
There's something that will change your genocidal views on Australians.
When Australians say pants, do they mean to speak of trousers or of boxers? This will greatlu impact my final decision RE: Australian Genocide.
waste a lot of time on this shit, do ya Fortesque??
Post a Comment