Despite the pseudonym Fortesque I am not British. Neither am I gay. Fortesque is the alternative to using an obscure Eastern European name. Bobsworth is just there for the hell of it.
Why am I prattling on?
Because today, to let you get the picture of some of the things I have dealt with growing up I am going to write some things that I think the world should know about the Balkans, notably ex-Yugoslavia. I am sick of hearing propaganda from the western world about how barbaric we are.
Instead I, the great and powerful Fortesque, will issue propaganda about how barbaric we are.
Why am I prattling on?
Because today, to let you get the picture of some of the things I have dealt with growing up I am going to write some things that I think the world should know about the Balkans, notably ex-Yugoslavia. I am sick of hearing propaganda from the western world about how barbaric we are.
Instead I, the great and powerful Fortesque, will issue propaganda about how barbaric we are.
Field toilets, or Turkish toilets
Have you ever been bored with classic toilet design?
Sitting down too boring for you?
Are you too much of a man to sit down while you shoot the poo gun?
Than welcome to the idea of the Field toilet (as we call them here- on a humorous side note they can also be translated as Polish toilets when translating from the "poljski WC").
To use them you must squat like a little girl. Or a big girl, as they have to squat however they use it.
Much more manly.
They were around when I was growing up, but are being fazed out of use because of the large amount of people who don't like shit washing around their ankles when they flush.
Oh yes, shit. Washing around. Squirted with dirty water. Over your feet.
These things were originally a step away from a hole in the ground. But thankfully toilets have evolved a long way. But sadly the model used since ancient Egypt was skipped (oh yes the whole "sitting down" toilet is that old, the pharaohs' even had golden ones). And porcelain versions of the even older "hole in the ground were adopted. A flushing version with elevated places to stand was innovated soon after. The schnapps drinking creators thought this was a much better way than to sit down on something.
So you could squat like a little girl. The creators obviously didn't think about the whole "water and poo washing around everywhere" issue that occurred whenever you flushed.
It was obviously too boring for the Balkans to have an ordinary toilet because they had to add the wonderful after-turd party game where you had to jump around inside the toilet avoiding your own fecal matter and brown water that squirted all around.
Luckily they were only public toilets, diner toilets and border crossing toilets.
Basically all of the things to make a tourists day.
Also luckily, they have been phased out in most places (the further away from the central part of the Balkans the less there are, so Slovenia and Croatia have the least, while Bosnia, Serbia, Macedonia, Albania, Romania, Bulgaria have slightly more (but not much more- only a few sporadic ones here and there).
So if you were hoping to make a trip to see this amazing device, know that it is an endangered species and as such deserves to be utterly destroyed.
There are still Field toilets that are just normal wooden outhouses, which only smell bad and are scary. Not to be confused with the above.
Also if in a fancy part of Europe (anywhere) just look directly across the street from an airport or train station. Follow your nose to the fattiest smell around. If your nose led you to a man putting fat on a big cooker repeatedly with a ladle, followed by some unknown meat and a strange piece of bread, ask him "Chevapi?" after which he will say something.
Whether he swears at you or not, the answer is -onion or "looka"- He will know you mean business and let you be. Perhaps he will mumble an apology for looking such a man in the eye.
Mowing the lawn. With scythes.
Sitting down too boring for you?
Are you too much of a man to sit down while you shoot the poo gun?
Than welcome to the idea of the Field toilet (as we call them here- on a humorous side note they can also be translated as Polish toilets when translating from the "poljski WC").
To use them you must squat like a little girl. Or a big girl, as they have to squat however they use it.
Much more manly.
They were around when I was growing up, but are being fazed out of use because of the large amount of people who don't like shit washing around their ankles when they flush.
Oh yes, shit. Washing around. Squirted with dirty water. Over your feet.
These things were originally a step away from a hole in the ground. But thankfully toilets have evolved a long way. But sadly the model used since ancient Egypt was skipped (oh yes the whole "sitting down" toilet is that old, the pharaohs' even had golden ones). And porcelain versions of the even older "hole in the ground were adopted. A flushing version with elevated places to stand was innovated soon after. The schnapps drinking creators thought this was a much better way than to sit down on something.
So you could squat like a little girl. The creators obviously didn't think about the whole "water and poo washing around everywhere" issue that occurred whenever you flushed.
It was obviously too boring for the Balkans to have an ordinary toilet because they had to add the wonderful after-turd party game where you had to jump around inside the toilet avoiding your own fecal matter and brown water that squirted all around.
Luckily they were only public toilets, diner toilets and border crossing toilets.
Basically all of the things to make a tourists day.
Also luckily, they have been phased out in most places (the further away from the central part of the Balkans the less there are, so Slovenia and Croatia have the least, while Bosnia, Serbia, Macedonia, Albania, Romania, Bulgaria have slightly more (but not much more- only a few sporadic ones here and there).
So if you were hoping to make a trip to see this amazing device, know that it is an endangered species and as such deserves to be utterly destroyed.
There are still Field toilets that are just normal wooden outhouses, which only smell bad and are scary. Not to be confused with the above.
Amazing Kebabs and Čevapi
You had better know what a kebab is, invented by the Turks, but perfected by the Bosnians in Sarajevo, who did this amazing feat while horrendously drunk on plum schnapps. Just. Eat. The. Goddamn. Kebab. In. Sarajevo.
But what the fuck is Čevapi? I here you asking.
You most likely can't even pronounce Č (It's -ch-).
Čevapi is the most goddamn manly food on Earth. I cannot explain the goodness...
Just go into the street right now. Wherever you are (if in the western world) and go from street diner to street diner screaming: Chevapi?!
Eventually you will meet some of the helpful diaspora from the Balkans which will be able to direct you (this will always happen- listen for telltale people who swear at you in an eastern European accent and interrogate them). Order with onions, otherwise your a chick... Or gay.
It is one of those foods that clog your arteries and cause your heart to scream in pain with every bite.
Eat. It.
But what the fuck is Čevapi? I here you asking.
You most likely can't even pronounce Č (It's -ch-).
Čevapi is the most goddamn manly food on Earth. I cannot explain the goodness...
Just go into the street right now. Wherever you are (if in the western world) and go from street diner to street diner screaming: Chevapi?!
Eventually you will meet some of the helpful diaspora from the Balkans which will be able to direct you (this will always happen- listen for telltale people who swear at you in an eastern European accent and interrogate them). Order with onions, otherwise your a chick... Or gay.
It is one of those foods that clog your arteries and cause your heart to scream in pain with every bite.
Eat. It.
Also if in a fancy part of Europe (anywhere) just look directly across the street from an airport or train station. Follow your nose to the fattiest smell around. If your nose led you to a man putting fat on a big cooker repeatedly with a ladle, followed by some unknown meat and a strange piece of bread, ask him "Chevapi?" after which he will say something.
Whether he swears at you or not, the answer is -onion or "looka"- He will know you mean business and let you be. Perhaps he will mumble an apology for looking such a man in the eye.
Mowing the lawn. With scythes.
If your an American the way to mow the lawn is with these:
If your from the Balkans you mow your lawn with these:
Except the people are less British and wield the scythes with deadly efficiency and don't pose for photos, these ass puppets have probably never held or cut anything with a scythe in their life.
You know who else wields a scythe with deadly efficiency??
Mother. Fuckin'. Death.
You decide which way is more manly.
I am to lazy to write more so you'll have to wait for more wonderful Balkan facts when I'm not looking at midget porn. Which is not right now.
Except the people are less British and wield the scythes with deadly efficiency and don't pose for photos, these ass puppets have probably never held or cut anything with a scythe in their life.
You know who else wields a scythe with deadly efficiency??
Mother. Fuckin'. Death.
You decide which way is more manly.
I am to lazy to write more so you'll have to wait for more wonderful Balkan facts when I'm not looking at midget porn. Which is not right now.
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